By Beatrice Giesbrecht

Things have been good lately. At least long enough for me to start getting used to what “good” feels like. I learned some years ago that I had been in a state of upheaval for so long – be it trauma, grief, depression, or undergoing the painful peeling back layers of the healing process – that I didn’t know how to “do” times of peace. Coming out of years of choppy seas, uneven ground, and hills and valleys chasing each other with dizzying speed, to a place of stability has felt foreign. And terrifying in the beginning. But, I have begun to adjust to the rhythm of calm waters. Learning what freedom looks like. Starting to really enjoy my life! Discovering the uniqueness of who God made me to be and how to live that out, taking deep breaths, being at peace. Sailing the seas of new discovery every day has been exhilarating.

But even calm seas can have rogue waves from time to time.

A week ago Sunday, I woke up with a strong sense of disconnection. I’d had a migraine in the night, so I thought maybe it was just the last vestiges of that hanging on, but as I got up and started getting ready for church, I realized that it was something more. I was having a dissociative episode. It’s a trauma response that happens every so often, usually after exposure to some kind of trigger. It’s a feeling of not being in my own body, of feeling like I’m in a dream, without a grasp on what is actually reality. Feeling present and yet strangely absent at the same time, everything is just “off”. It’s my body’s way of saying it has hit overload and is shutting the system down for a while and often precipitates a massive emotional crash. Sometimes it can be hard to identify what has triggered this response, but this time I knew exactly what it was.

This year, Easter was ushered in with an explosion of turmoil and toxic family dysfunction, the shrapnel raining down in all directions. A battering of the healthy boundaries that I have spent years creating for myself. It was so unexpected that I didn’t even have time to brace for impact. No time to find shelter or to prepare for what the months ahead might hold. I managed to get through the thick of it and all things considered, I thought I was handling it rather well. I had kept my emotions in check and was holding myself together. But, the truth is that I was so desperate to preserve the “calm” of the last little while that I couldn’t admit to myself how damaging the whole situation really was.

The questions rolled in. Why this? Why now? After all the work I’ve done, after all the healing and therapy. Can this really be happening again? In the midst of this celebration of Resurrection, why the intrusion of dead things? I thought I was finally where I was supposed to be! I could feel myself slowly losing my footing and so, that morning as my body forced a recovery space, I had no choice but to recognize what was happening.

Sometimes in the aftermath of a trigger, when the fears and memories surface, when I fall, my plans unravel, and my hopes are dashed again, it can be so easy to become discouraged. To feel like I’m on a treadmill going nowhere and that wholeness isn’t attainable. But looking back over the past few years, I can see progress has been made. I can see growth, especially in my responses to difficulties and setbacks. Because I’m learning that healing isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. So, this time instead of crashing like I have so many times before, I took a few minutes out of my busy Sunday morning, left the care of my children in their father’s capable hands, and went to prayer and the Word of God. And as is His way when we call on Him, Jesus never disappoints. He led me to Mark 4.

“On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, “Let us go across to the other side.” And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?” -Mark 4:35-41

I rode to church in silence, gleaning comfort from the words I had read, but I was still feeling detached. By the time we arrived, I was starting to lose the battle with my emotions, so I went in search of our care pastor. She prayed with me – prayed about remembering that Jesus was in my boat with me. About trusting that He would carry me through the storms. How amazing is our God? That’s when I felt the Spirit whisper, “Peace. Be still. I’ve got you”. Immediately, peace began to flood my soul and my body began to relax.

Find your rhythm for the season you are in.

Find your rhythm. Those words kept resonating in my heart that morning and haven’t stopped. What does that even mean? If you have ever been out sailing or on a boat for any length of time, you know that it can take a little while to get your “sea legs”: when your brain and body adjust and you relax into the rhythm of the boat and can move around steadily despite the movement of the deck. Likewise, regaining your “land legs” after returning to solid ground after being on the water for an extended period requires adjusting to the stability of the earth beneath your feet. In both situations, your body must find it’s equilibrium in its environment.

I’ve read the story in Mark 4 many times, and I’ve always thought that Jesus must have been extremely exhausted to have slept through that storm. I mean the disciples had to wake Him, and by that point the boat was filling with water and they thought they were about to die! Obviously, this storm had been raging pretty significantly for some time already. But I saw something new when I read it this time. Jesus could sleep, not just because He was tired, but because He trusted in His Father to keep Him wherever He went. Jesus moved to the rhythm of the Spirit, not the rhythm of the storm.

“Let us go to the other side…”

~Jesus

Sometimes a storm hits when we are in the midst of doing what God called us to do and we think we’ve done something wrong. The disciples were doing exactly what Jesus had told them when the storm hit. Jesus had said to go to the other side of the lake and they obeyed. They were in the will of God. They were doing all the “right things”. But here they were suddenly fighting for their lives. Like they did, we can often lose sight of the fact that if Jesus tells us to go to the other side, then He will get us to the other side – regardless of what takes place in the middle of the lake – because He’s coming with us! And like the disciples, we fail to realize Who is in our boat with us.

The disciples thought they were forsaken, abandoned. They hadn’t learned to recognize and trust the God of the impossible yet. “Teacher, don’t you care…?!” How many times have I uttered those very words as I have felt my boat beginning to sink? I forget Jehovah Roi – the God who sees – has my name engraved on His hands and His heart. Like the disciples, I fail to see that “he who appoints the sun to shine by day, who decrees the moon and stars to shine by night, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar – the LORD Almighty is his name”(Jeremiah 31:35 NIV) is traveling with me. I forget that the rhythm of the storm is not meant to be the rhythm of my soul. And that by putting my faith in Jesus, regardless of whether the seas are lapping gently under my boat or towering over it in 100 foot waves, I can find my “sea legs” and remain at peace. My footing is secure when I tune into the rhythm of the Spirit.

I’m learning to find my rhythm. Learning to respond to the Holy Spirit’s voice rather than what wind and waves dictate. Clinging to Jesus when life shifts or the hard things hit out of nowhere. Learning to reach out to my community when I need support. And to be honest, even with all the struggles I have faced, I wouldn’t trade the lessons learned on the waves for an easier route. Because when I finally get to the other side, I will do so knowing that I have reached the shore as a seasoned sailor, weathered but strong, with an unshakeable faith.

Find your rhythm for the season you are in. The rhythm God has set for me is going to be different than what He’s set for you. Maybe you find yourself in a similar situation to me, but maybe you are in another place entirely. Maybe Jesus has said “let’s go to the other side”, you launched your boat, but now you’re second-guessing that you heard correctly. Maybe the bottom of your boat is full of water and you’re starting to sink. Or maybe it’s still beached on the shore because you’re too frozen by fear, or your own insufficiencies, to launch somewhere out of your control. But, I’m here to tell you, you can do it. Because you are not alone.

Whatever your situation, I want to encourage you to remember Who is in your boat! When the wind whips with the visceral tearing open of both old and new wounds, and the waves crash, slamming you to the deck again and again, remember that the boat can’t go down when the Creator is in it. That He Who has called you goes with you and will equip you to do whatever it is that He has asked you to do. Abide in Him and cling to the truth that no matter rough seas or calm, by tuning in to His voice, you can find your rhythm. Listen for Him. Let Him set the pace and the steps. Because we find our footing in the One Who remains constant. Trust. Abide. Obey.

May you find your rhythm and sail strong, friends.

Meet the Author

Meet Beatrice Giesbrecht, a passionate writer, wife, and homeschooler who is also a devoted mom to four energetic and fun-loving boys. As the chief home executive, she is a lifelong learner who invests in acquiring new skills and knowledge. Her love for words is evident in both her reading and writing, and she finds joy in reading books of all kinds. When she's not deep-diving into Scripture and theology, you can find her immersing herself in various creative and artistic pursuits. She also loves a great cup of tea, spending time in nature, and cherishing moments with her family and friends. You can find more of Beatrice’s writing at her blog website.