Jesus said, "Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on a solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won't collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn't obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash." -Matthew 7:24-27

Our lives need to be built on the firm foundation of the word of God. This concept seeps into every part of our lives, including friendships.

Think of a close friend. What is it that you connect on?

Do you connect on a shared hobby? Your shared love for Jesus? OR do you connect on shared trauma?

Why is this important?

If the foundation of your friendship is found in hardship, you need to be on high alert in these relationships. Don't panic; they don't always turn out bad. However, these are the friendships that are much more likely to end in disaster. These friendships need higher awareness and firmer boundaries. The deeper the trauma, the truer this is.

Is your connection that you can be honest with each other about your shared experience of suicidal thoughts? Abuse? Addiction? Other traumatic events? These conversations and relationships can be valuable in recovery, but they can also be explosive.

So how can you prevent this?

One way is to not share. If someone you're just getting to know shares a traumatic experience that you've also been through, empathize without sharing your personal story. Instead, say something like, "I'm sorry you went through that. It sounds like a very dark place to be."

Another way to prevent it is to share in an appropriate small group setting rather than one-on-one. An example of this would be a recovery group or Bible study. Of course, in this instance, you need to be comfortable with all the people in the group knowing what you will disclose. There is a higher probability of confidentiality being broken.

Also, meeting and sharing one-on-one does have it’s benefits, especially in a solid mentor-mentee relationship. When entering this type of relationship, the mentor should be significantly further along in recovery and in a spiritually & emotionally healthy place. Even in this relationship, boundaries will be necessary for both parties.

It gets a little more tricky if you feel led to share or have already shared a deep trauma with a friend one-on-one. In this case, boundaries are still the answer. Boundaries are important and actually help strengthen your relationships. They will help your relationship to either stay in or return to a healthy place. You will enjoy each other’s friendship more with appropriate boundaries.

Be sure to connect with your friend about other things as well. Don't isolate your conversations to just discussing hard things. Find other things you have in common, and bond over those as well. The most important piece in all of this is awareness, so when things start to go sideways, you know what is happening and that it’s time to increase boundaries.

I'm not saying to completely avoid people with shared difficult experiences. You are the only one who knows what you can and cannot handle because you know yourself best. Some people are more easily influenced by difficult relationships and get sucked into codependency. Others are pretty good at boundaries and sensing when and where they need to be put in place. Everyone’s soul is at a different level of healthiness or unhealthiness. All I'm saying is, pay attention, be careful what you share, and protect your heart. ❤

To learn more about boundaries in friendship, visit my blog What Are Boundaries?

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