I ran out of the church, hot tears streaming down my face. The parking lot was dark, only dimly lit by the light poles. It was still and quiet. Everyone was still inside worshiping as the last song came to a close. I could hear the comforting, familiar sound of the frogs and crickets. I took a deep breath of the fresh air before getting in my car. I heard the chime of my Bluetooth connecting as I turned on the car engine. “Keep Making Me” by Sidewalk Prophets started playing.

“Make me broken
So I can be healed
'Cause I'm so calloused
And now I can't feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken”

I froze.

The words pierced my heart. God was speaking straight to me.

I winced. God’s light was shining painfully on my dark wounds. My eyes were opened. What have I been doing with my life?

I give up, God. Fix me. Break me. Do what you gotta do. What I’m doing isn’t working.

I’m so sorry, God. Please help me.

That was the night my soul shattered.

I was searching for comfort in all the wrong places. My soul felt empty. I tried filling it with alcohol. I tried “living my best life” on wonderful vacations. I tried gaining accomplishments. Checking boxes. I tried pretending I was not only fine but great. I tried numbing the pain. I tried leaving it all behind. I tried running from everyone who might see. Each worked for a little while. But then I just needed more and more to reach the same emotional high. With every new thing I tried, I just felt more and more empty. Nothing was good enough.

“Make me empty
So I can be filled
'Cause I'm still holding
Onto my will
And I'm completed
When you are with me
Make me empty”

Desperate and lonely, I cried out to God.

Sitting alone in the dark parking lot, God was breaking me. I was finally letting go. I had finally come to the end of myself and the empty things I had been chasing.

Was I finally free?

Would I never run down those dark and empty paths again?

Would this finally be the end of my struggles?

Or just the beginning of a new journey?

“'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making,
I know You'll keep making
Lord, please keep making me”

…an ongoing journey.

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